As Christ Also Loved the Church

Equality is one of the founding principles of the American republic. “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…” (Thomas Jefferson). * We’ve struggled, with varying levels of success, to turn that ideal into reality, but no matter how far we still have to go, we believe in the promise of equality. What does “equality” look like in a marriage? Different people will answer differently, but one thing that seems certain is that if one spouse has all the power, equality isn’t truly possible. Couples may struggle to find the balance because power and responsibility go hand in hand. It’s easy to say, “I want equal power in this relationship.” But claiming power also means accepting the responsibility that goes with it. Take, for example, cooking. I do almost all the cooking and meal planning in our family. I’m good at it, and I usually enjoy it. My husband and kids are happy to let me take on this responsibility, even though they give up a lot of the ...

Let’s talk about sex. There are two extremes we can fall into in our attitude  about this subject. One is that sex is no big deal. It’s just a fun thing to do, and as long as it’s consensual and everyone uses protection, anything goes. The other end of the spectrum is believing that sex is something nasty and dirty, a necessary evil to bring children into the world, but otherwise, something to avoid or to be ashamed of. Both these extremes are wrong, and both can destroy the prospect of a fulfilling sex life. I love a story shared by Brent A. Barlow in an article for the Ensign magazine (published by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). When he was a young missionary for our Church, he and his companion met with a minister from another Christian faith who asked them, “And what is the Mormon attitude towards sexuality?” Of course, the two inexperienced, never-married young men were startled and didn’t know how to reply. This wasn't a question their missiona...

In Defense of Chastity In common usage, chastity is often a synonym for virginity. However, in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we use the word in a broader sense. We talk about the law of chastity when we’re referring to the guideline God has given us for sexual relationships, specifically, no sexual relations before marriage and after marriage, sexual relations only with our spouse. This concept isn’t unique to our church, however. Traditional Jewish and Muslim people, as well as Christians of most denominations, adhere (or try to adhere) to the same standard. Of course, people of other faiths or people who aren’t religious at all may wonder why such a standard is necessary. Aren’t we just being ridiculously uptight? By being so restrictive, aren’t we cutting ourselves off from a lot of pleasure and maybe even causing ourselves problems later on? In my experience, the answer is no. In this post, I’m going to rely heavily on the words of Jeffrey R. Hollan...

In the past few weeks, I’ve often referred to the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman. But there’s another book that has been a great help to me in developing a deeper understanding of marriage and its purpose. It’s called Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships , and it’s written by H. Wallace Goddard. The second book is directed toward members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and draws heavily from the Book of Mormon, but its principles will bless anyone who follows them. Goddard’s central premise is that marriage is the workshop God uses to make us the people He wants us to be. Before we’re married, marriage seems like a fairy tale. We’re swept up in the bliss of being with the person we love. But gradually, the bliss dissipates, and we might be surprised to discover that marriage is, well, hard. Our Prince Charming isn’t so charming. Sometimes, he’s downright annoying. We might thin...

You recognize the feeling. Someone—probably someone you love—has done something stupid and irritating.   You know, that thing. The one you’ve been trying to get them to stop doing forever. And they said they’d stop, but they’ve forgotten. Again. Now, the anger is rising inside you like lava inside a volcano, ready to erupt in a molten jet of furious words. Once a volcano gets to that point, nothing can stop it. The lava and gas and ash will come spewing out, and the people around it will have no hope but to take shelter and wait it out. But here’s an important fact to consider. People aren’t volcanoes. Although it may not feel like it at times, we have the power to stop the flow of anger inside us before it pours out and incinerates the ones we love. In chapter nine of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman emphasizes the importance of a soft start-up. What he’s talking about is the way we begin to talk about a sensitive subject. How we begin sets ...

What do you think of when you hear the word “pride”? A person standing tall and feeling good about herself? Or the sneer of someone looking down on those he thinks are below him? We may use the word pride in both ways, depending on the context, but Ezra Taft Benson, president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from 1985 to 1994, pointed out that “In the scriptures there is no such thing as righteous pride  — it is always considered a sin. Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby” (“ Beware of Pride ,” Ensign, May 1989). The kind of pride condemned by the scriptures is destructive everywhere but especially in marriage. Pride is competitive when we need to cooperate. Pride demands that we keep up appearances when we need to let someone else see how much we hurt so we can ask for help. Pride sees apologies as a sign of weakness. In marriage, we need to...