You recognize the feeling. Someone—probably someone you love—has done something stupid and irritating.  You know, that thing. The one you’ve been trying to get them to stop doing forever. And they said they’d stop, but they’ve forgotten. Again. Now, the anger is rising inside you like lava inside a volcano, ready to erupt in a molten jet of furious words.
Once a volcano gets to that point, nothing can stop it. The lava and gas and ash will come spewing out, and the people around it will have no hope but to take shelter and wait it out. But here’s an important fact to consider.
People aren’t volcanoes.

Although it may not feel like it at times, we have the power to stop the flow of anger inside us before it pours out and incinerates the ones we love.

In chapter nine of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman emphasizes the importance of a soft start-up. What he’s talking about is the way we begin to talk about a sensitive subject. How we begin sets the tone for the rest of the conversation. If we charge in with anger and accusations, we shouldn’t be surprised if our spouse responds with counter accusations and defensiveness. Instead, we can speak gently, showing our love in both our words and our tone of voice. When we do so, we’re more likely to have a real conversation that leads to a solution.

Okay, I imagine I can hear you thinking, that’s great if I have time to sit down and plan out exactly what I’m going to say. But when the lava is already on the way up the volcano, it’s too late. The eruption can’t be stopped!

You aren’t wrong. Not entirely, at least. It is much easier to have a pleasant, loving, successful discussion about a contentious issue if you have time to plan and prepare. It’s much harder to hold back the anger when the irritation comes on suddenly, and we react on instinct. Harder. But not impossible. Why? Because—say it with me now—

People aren’t volcanoes.

God has blessed human beings with a tremendous ability. A space. A moment. The millisecond between stimulus and response. Anger and frustration may blind us to it, but it exists. Once we recognize it, we can stand in that space and choose how we’ll react. We won’t be controlled, either by outside forces or by our own emotions.

I’ve learned that there are situations that make me cranky. I don’t like being hot, and if I’m hot and have work to do (like making dinner), everything irritates me. But I’ve started to recognize that feeling and know what effect it has on me. I can remind myself, “No, everyone around you is not particularly stupid today.” That moment of reflection makes all the difference. I take back control of myself before I say something I’ll regret.

The next time I feel the lava start to rise, I'll remind myself to pause, recognize what’s happening, and use that moment to make a better choice.

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