Let’s talk about sex.

There are two extremes we can fall into in our attitude 
about this subject. One is that sex is no big deal. It’s just a fun thing to do, and as long as it’s consensual and everyone uses protection, anything goes. The other end of the spectrum is believing that sex is something nasty and dirty, a necessary evil to bring children into the world, but otherwise, something to avoid or to be ashamed of. Both these extremes are wrong, and both can destroy the prospect of a fulfilling sex life.

I love a story shared by Brent A. Barlow in an article for the Ensign magazine (published by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). When he was a young missionary for our Church, he and his companion met with a minister from another Christian faith who asked them, “And what is the Mormon attitude towards sexuality?” Of course, the two inexperienced, never-married young men were startled and didn’t know how to reply. This wasn't a question their missionary training had prepared them for. Finally, Elder Barlow responded, “Sir, we believe in it.”

This is a perfect summary of our attitude toward sex: We believe in it. Sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship. Although we firmly believe it should be reserved until marriage, once a man and woman enter that union, sex becomes something they can and should embrace.

Sex, of course, is necessary to conceive children, but that’s only one of its vital functions. It also serves to unite husband and wife. It’s literally built into our bodies. Physical intimacy (not just sex but even hugging and holding hands) causes our bodies to produce the hormone oxytocin, which promotes bonding. (See “How the Love Hormone Works Its Magic,” at WebMD.) We believe it is a gift from a loving Father in Heaven that can bring another level of connection and fulfillment when it is used properly.

Because of our faith, we want to teach our children to save the intimacy of sex for marriage. But we can become so fixated on teaching them to say “no” before marriage that we never teach them how (and why) to say “yes” after marriage. We can allow the idea of sex as something to be ashamed of to take hold. If we do, we shouldn’t be surprised if our children struggle to find the right balance, ending up at one extreme or the other.

How can we solve this problem? I believe the best way is by the example set by Mom and Dad. Our children need to know that we love each other. Of course, we have to keep these displays appropriate, but it doesn’t do any harm for a teenager to occasionally say “ew!” when they catch their parents kissing in the kitchen.

I wish I could remember where I heard this quote, but it’s always stuck with me: “The best sex education children can have is when Dad comes home from work and pats Mom on the bottom.” You don’t have to go into a lot of uncomfortable detail for the kids to recognize that physical intimacy between husband and wife is a source of joy and something for them to look forward to. Just let them occasionally catch a shared look or encounter a locked bedroom door. They’ll get the message:

Sex? We believe in it.


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