Equality is one of the founding principles of the American republic. “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…” (Thomas Jefferson).* We’ve struggled, with varying levels of success, to turn that ideal into reality, but no matter how far we still have to go, we believe in the promise of equality.

What does “equality” look like in a marriage? Different people will answer differently, but one thing that seems certain is that if one spouse has all the power, equality isn’t truly possible. Couples may struggle to find the balance because power and responsibility go hand in hand. It’s easy to say, “I want equal power in this relationship.” But claiming power also means accepting the responsibility that goes with it.

Take, for example, cooking. I do almost all the cooking and meal planning in our family. I’m good at it, and I usually enjoy it. My husband and kids are happy to let me take on this responsibility, even though they give up a lot of the power to control what they eat. If they’re craving a certain meal, I’ll try to work it into the menu, but in the end, it’s my decision. Should we have beef tacos or chili verde burritos? My choice. When the recipe says, “Salt and pepper to taste,” it’s talking about my taste. I have the responsibility, so I have the power.

On the other hand, there’s one area where I’ve given up most of the power in our family—how we handle our money.

Now, don’t get the impression that my husband hoards the money and uses it to control my life. My name is on all the bank accounts. I have my very own debit card. As long as I give him the receipts, he rarely comments on my purchases. But he’s the one who handles the money. He pays the bills. He balances the checkbook. He keeps track of the expenses.

I’m terrible at managing finances. I’ve never had a checking account without bouncing at least one check. I’m overwhelmed by the tedium of keeping track of every expense. On the other hand, my husband was once a bank teller, and he loves collecting receipts and putting each item into a spreadsheet column. It seemed like a reasonable division of labor to let him take care of “all that.” I’ve been doing so for decades.

Maybe this doesn’t sound like a problem, but it can make me feel resentful because by handing over the financial responsibilities, I’ve also handed over all the power. Needing to ask his “permission” to buy things makes me feel like a child. When those feelings come up, I have to remind myself that I made this choice. I decided that I didn’t want to know how much we were struggling. I didn’t want to have to think about how we were going to cover all the bills and still buy groceries. I left him to carry the worry and the stress almost completely alone, and he’s never complained about it.

Is the trade-off worth it? Most of the time, I think so. But it also isn’t really fair. For us to fully develop an equal partnership, I need to step up and share this responsibility. I’ve started by volunteering to keep track of all the money we spend on food, both groceries and eating out. I’ll be the one who knows whether we can afford to zip through the McDonald’s drive-thru this week and if I need to put the potato chips back on the grocery store shelf. I'll re-claim some of the power and take the responsibility that goes with it.

By pursuing the ideal of equality, we’re deepening our relationship and becoming closer. We’re walking side-by-side, helping each other carry the burdens that belong to both of us.

* I don’t know what was in Jefferson’s mind when he wrote those words, but I rely on the expansive definition of “men” that includes women as well.

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