What do you think of when you hear the word “pride”? A person standing tall and feeling good about herself? Or the sneer of someone looking down on those he thinks are below him? We may use the word pride in both ways, depending on the context, but Ezra Taft Benson, president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from 1985 to 1994, pointed out that “In the scriptures there is no such thing as righteous pride—it is always considered a sin. Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby” (“Beware of Pride,” Ensign, May 1989).

The kind of pride condemned by the scriptures is destructive everywhere but especially in marriage. Pride is competitive when we need to cooperate. Pride demands that we keep up appearances when we need to let someone else see how much we hurt so we can ask for help. Pride sees apologies as a sign of weakness. In marriage, we need to be willing to say, “I’m sorry” every day. When we do, we show that we’re willing to change and that we value our spouse’s feelings more than our own.

In marriage, pride can show itself in big ways—cruel words, physical abuse, and infidelity. But it can also come out in the smallest, silliest things.

Just after our first son was born, my husband and I moved into a seventy-five-year-old house. It had many virtues, the biggest one being that it was rent-free. But it also had certain disadvantages, like its complete lack of any kind of cooling. Since it was the beginning of summer in Los Angeles, this was a big problem. We solved it with fans, ceiling fans installed in the living room and bedrooms and oscillating fans we could move from room to room as needed.

One day, my husband came to me and suggested that we should turn the fan off when we left the bedroom. It was wasteful to leave it running when no one was in the room. I thought this was ridiculous. Once the fan was off, the room got hot quickly. If I had to turn it on and wait for the room to cool down every time I came back, I was going to spend a lot of unnecessary time sweating.

We went back and forth, making our arguments, but a few minutes into the conversation, I realized an important point. I was talking about not turning off the ceiling fan; he was talking about turning off the oscillating fan, the little one that pointed at one spot instead of cooling the whole room. And he was right. That fan could be turned off and on without causing extra perspiration. I knew he was right.

But I kept arguing.

I felt stupid saying, “Oh, you mean that little fan!” And I wasn’t ready to give in. Even though he was completely right, and I knew it! Pride led me to drag the argument out for at least another five minutes before I admitted that I’d misunderstood and we weren’t even talking about the same thing.

Now, that was a small fight, and because I eventually gave in, my pride gave us something to laugh about instead of doing serious damage to our relationship. But if we aren’t willing to let go of the need to be right, win the argument, and score the point, pride builds up. It builds a shell around us. It builds a wall between husband and wife. And if it’s left unchecked, pride hardens our hearts against even the people we love.

What is the cure for pride? First, humility, which C.S. Lewis defines as “not thinking less of yourself…[but] thinking of yourself less” (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity). But also, service and kindness and gratitude and praise. Those are the actions and virtues that pride will crowd out. They’re also the best way to fight it.

Pride nurses grievances. Humility knows when to let it go.

Pride wants the praise without the work. Service wants the work to get done and doesn’t care who gets the credit.

Pride lashes out to make someone else feel small. Kindness finds the good in others and magnifies it.

Pride always demands more. Gratitude cherishes the smallest gift.

Pride steps on others to lift itself. Praise gladly lifts others and rejoices in their success.

Which kind of person do you think is happier? Which one would you rather be married to? And if we want a spouse with those qualities, we need to develop them in ourselves.