Two of the major transitions in a woman’s life involve  gaining a mother-in-law and becoming one. Mothers-in-law have a bad reputation. They’re the butt of hundreds, maybe thousands, of jokes. From these jokes, you can discover that society thinks of mothers-in-law as judgmental, demanding, domineering, entitled, self-Involved,  unattractive, angry, and (especially) unwanted.

Since I have a great mother-in-law, and I am a mother-in-law now, it’s easy to get defensive about these jokes and stereotypes. But it’s much more useful to wonder how they developed and what I can learn from them.

Most of them probably come from the problem that authors James M. Harper and Susan Frost Olsen* call “enmeshment.” This term refers to the problem of parents and married children whose lives are so tangled together that it interferes with the new couple’s relationship. A mother who thinks it’s still her job to protect her husband, watch out for his comfort, and guide his life choices will have a hard time getting out of her daughter-in-law’s way.† She’ll give unwanted advice, take her son’s side in the argument (especially if he comes to her with his complaints), and criticize her daughter’s housekeeping and cooking. In other words, all the things that form the basis for those “oh, no! your mother’s coming to visit!” jokes.

So how do we, the mothers-in-law of the world, avoid becoming the object of a stand-up comedian’s routine? The most important thing we can do is take a step back. Recognize that this change isn’t a huge leap away from you. It’s the end of a gradual process. First our children learn to be away from us for a few minutes, then a few hours, then a whole day. They go to a friend’s house or to school. Eventually, they go to college, join the Army, or take a job in another state. There was a time, when our children were small, when we were their whole world, the most important person in their lives. That can be hard to give up. But the truth is that if an adult child clings to us and still needs our constant input into his life, it isn’t a compliment. It’s a sign that we failed in an important part of our job as a mother.

The other thing we can do to avoid being the stereotypical overbearing mother-in-law is to show respect and admiration for our child’s spouse. Show that daughter- or son-in-law respect, affection, and admiration. Make her feel welcome in your home. Compliment her cooking. Unless it involves a life-or-death matter, keep your criticism to yourself.

I’ve been blessed with two beautiful daughters-in-law. At first glance, they’re nothing alike, but the thing they have in common—with each other and with me—is that they love my sons.  


Fighting the joke-book stereotype of the mother-in-law gives me the chance to have loving, close, supportive relationships with women who want what I want—to see my sons have happy homes and happy lives. Remembering that we share that goal makes it easy to work with instead of against each other, and that takes some of the sting out of those jokes.



* See their chapter, “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families,” in Helping and Healing Our Families: Principles and Practices Inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Deseret Book Company, 2005.
† I suspect that moms who have this problem with adult children have been too enmeshed with their kids’ lives for a long time, but that’s a subject for another blog post.

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