You may have heard someone say that the traditional ending of every fairy tale—"and they lived happily ever after”—is a lie. Finding your “prince” and getting married doesn’t put an end to problems, and it definitely doesn’t lead to permanent bliss.

All of that is certainly true, but I still believe in “happily ever after.”

How can I say that? Because after twenty-eight years of marriage, I understand that “happily” doesn’t mean “perfectly,” and it sure doesn’t mean “easily.” I don’t need an end to troubles or a state of never-ending bliss to live happily with my own Prince Charming.

Marriage is a lot of work—undeniably. It requires patience, with myself and my husband. It needs kindness, a sense of humor, and occasionally, selective hearing. It also takes something else that we don’t hear about too much these days—self-sacrifice. Sometimes, being happy in marriage requires me to think about what my husband and children need before I think about what I want.

I was born in the sixties and grew up in the seventies and eighties. For those of you too young to remember, that means I heard a lot about how marriage was a prison for women. Marriage meant losing your own identity and being a slave to your husband and children. It meant never having a fulfilling career. It meant giving up your dreams.

But does sacrificing for others really mean being a slave or a drudge or a doormat? Not if you look a little deeper.

First, let’s talk about the word sacrifice. It comes from two Latin words: sacer meaning “holy,” and facere, meaning to make or do. Combined, they suggest making something holy. We can see it when we think of a religious sacrifice, like those described in the Old Testament. The animal offered to God becomes a holy object that must be revered and treated with respect and care.

Another definition of sacrifice is giving up something good for something better. The ancient Israelites gave up something good—the firstlings of their flocks—for something better, to show their love for God and receive His blessings in return. When I sacrifice my time and efforts for my family, I’m trading them for something better. What do I give up? An episode of my favorite television show or a chapter of the book I’m reading? But in return, I get to show my love. I get to nourish bodies and souls. I get to spend time with my husband and my children.

When I remember this, I can make sacrifices with joy instead of resentment. My efforts to serve my family become holy when I do them with love. If I’m irritated and resentful (and everybody is, sometimes), nothing I do for others feels very holy. But a spirit of gratitude for the ones who share my life consecrates my tiny, unremarkable acts and imbues them with a divine glow.

I feel like I should say a word here about needs and wants and the importance of knowing the difference. Needs have to come before wants. We all do that when we pay the rent before going on vacation or buy eggs first and Pop-Tarts only if there’s enough money left. In the same way, not everything our families ask of us qualifies as a need. If something my kids want, like a ride to a friend’s house, means giving up something I need, time to finish my school work, for instance, I can say no without feeling guilty. Fortunately, true conflict between competing needs isn’t the main question in my life. It’s usually a question of who gets to choose the flavor of Pop-Tarts, and that’s where sacrifice comes in.

So let go of resentment and embrace the beauty of service. Distinguish between eggs and Pop-Tarts, then give up something you like for the ones you love. That’s the path marked “Happily Ever After.”