Supporters and opponents of same-sex marriage often seem to be shouting past each other. It can seem that neither side really hears or understands the other. In fact, it’s easy for each side to believe that the other is motivated by anger, bigotry, or hatred.

Does it have to be that way? I don’t think it does.

If we each make the effort to put ourselves in the other’s place for a moment, we can at least let go of the belief that our opponents are bad people. We can see each other as well-intentioned if misguided, trying to live in what we believe is the best way possible. It may not seem like much, but in our contentious world, it would be a big improvement.

Let’s start by trying to understand the fundamental values from which each side starts. What things do we assume to be true? Those fundamentals influence the logical leaps we make in our arguments. If the two sides are beginning from different places (and of course they are), then it’s no wonder they arrive at different destinations. We may not be able to convince an opponent (and when I say “opponent”, what I really mean is “friend with whom I disagree on some things”) to change either his starting point or his destination, but we can at least try to trace the other person’s journey.

I’m not gay, and I’ve never discussed these sensitive issues with anyone who is. So when I try to lay out the starting point, the basic beliefs assumed to be true by gay people who want same-sex marriage to be legal, I have to rely on what I’ve read or seen, along with a heap of empathy.

Here’s how I think the reasoning would start:

Being gay is fundamental to who I am as a human being.

Every human being has the right to happy, healthy romantic relationships. Everybody dreams of growing up and marrying someone they love.

My romantic relationship with someone of the same sex has as much value and dignity as any opposite-sex relationship.

Marriage provides many social, emotional, and legal benefits. Denying me those benefits based on my sexual orientation is discrimination, and discrimination is wrong.

Allowing me to marry the person I love doesn’t hurt anyone else. No one else’s marriage is damaged or demeaned because of who I marry, but keeping me from getting married demeans and hurts me.

I hope no one reading this will be offended or feel I'm not doing their arguments justice.  This may not be a perfect rendition, but I think it’s fair to say that a person starting with these basic beliefs would naturally conclude that same-sex marriage should be legal. From this point of view, it is the kind, loving, tolerant thing to do.

So why do some people oppose same-sex marriage? Why does the debate continue even after the Supreme Court seems to have settled the matter?

Because many people start from a very different place and have different fundamental beliefs on which they base their reasoning. I’d like to try to lay those out as well.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but I’m not a spokesperson for the Church. I can only speak for myself and express my best understanding of the Church’s teachings.

I believe that each human being is a child of God, created in His image, and that He has a plan for each of us. Our lives didn’t begin when we were born, and they don’t end when we die. We will continue to exist, as ourselves, forever, and the kind of life we will have then depends on the choices we make now. One of the most important choices we make is how and whom we marry.

Heavenly Father sent us to live in families because families are a reflection of the kind of life He lives now and the kind of life He wants us to have eternally. His plan for His children includes family life that goes on forever. That family unit requires a mother and a father. Men and women, created by God, are different. They are not interchangeable. Both are of equal worth and value in His eyes and His plan, and the two sexes, together, are indispensable to the eternal family.

Is being gay or straight an important part of a person’s identity? Yes, but only because it affects our choices about forming a family. When it comes to our identity, who we’re attracted to is far less important than the reality of our divine heritage and potential.

We want everyone to have the blessings God offers. We want to remove every obstacle that separates any of God’s children from Him, and forming a same-sex partnership is such an obstacle. It takes the place of the kind of relationship God wants for each of us. It’s like a starving person trying to nourish himself by eating candy. It tastes good, and it keeps him going for a while, but it doesn’t have the nutrients he needs.

Maybe this seems like nonsense to you. Maybe you think it’s ridiculous. Surely, you’re free to think so, and I may never be able to change your mind. But, just as I could clearly see why a gay person would have only the best motives for wanting to marry, I hope you’ll at least be able to see we can oppose gay marriage for reasons of love and kindness, not anger, fear, or hatred.

While we may never agree about what marriage is and who it should include, at least we can see each other with more charity. A culture that says, “My opponents are good people with bad opinions” is a far better world for all of us than one that insists, “Disagreeing with my good opinion proves you’re a monster.”