I’m at the age where I go to a lot of bridal showers for the next generation—my kids, my nieces and nephews, the children of friends and cousins. Recently, I’ve noticed a new activity. Guests are asked to take a slip of paper or a 3x5 card and give the bride and groom some advice on how to have a happy marriage. The first time I stared down at that card, I was baffled. What could I say?

Some things that came to my mind were obviously true but sounded kind of pretentious (a scripture quotation or an admonition to always be Christ-like). Others were also true, but I’d be too embarrassed to share them (say yes to sex every chance you get, especially after you have kids). Here’s the one thing I settled on:

Be kind.

I might elaborate if I’m in the mood, but this is the core of it. Just be kind. In marriage, you learn your partner’s secrets, his fears and vulnerabilities. You know exactly how to break his heart. No one else will know better than you where to drive the knife to cause the greatest pain. But kindness protects those weak places instead of exploiting them. By being kind, you’ll give him a sanctuary where he can heal where he’s been hurt and grow stronger where he was weak.

Dr. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, expresses this idea when he talks about friendship as the heart of a happy marriage. “By this [friendship] I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These [happily married] couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out” (p. 21).

Think about the last time you had a fight with your spouse (or anyone else for that matter. This principle has a wide application.). Do you regret anything you said? I’m willing to bet that whatever regret you might have, it wasn’t about being too kind. I can’t remember a time in my life when I was sorry for showing kindness, even if it wasn’t returned. Even if it was taken advantage of.

So, that’s the advice I give—to newlyweds or anyone else. Embrace any opportunity to be kind. The world would be a happier place with a little more kindness in it.

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